Special

Everybody wants to be special, including me. I want to be special to someone too, I want to be irreplaceable in other people's lives, but I know I can't and will never do it. I must be such a dick for complaining about not being special. While others struggle to live through every single day due to a lack of necessities, I'm just sitting here smashing away at my keyboard, writing about how I feel about my life right now. But I can't help it, when you live life comfortably, you start to find minor problems in your life and make that a huge deal instead.

I always knew I was rather expandable, I never had any friends which I consistently talked to, all I have is myself. Why would I not disclose all this to other people? They'd just find me annoying. They'd get tired of my shit and ask me to "fuck off" because it's like hearing somebody say their life sucks just because they don't own a ferrari. Because why wouldn't they. I personally hate it when people start complaining about minor shit in their lives, yet here I am typing this article. Talk about hypocrisy right.

I'm pretty sure this became worse when I started being particularly good in a video game called "osu!". I was ranking up like crazy, but then I just froze. My skills stayed stagnant and I didn't have enough persistence or self-confidence to push myself forward. So naturally, other players emerged and displayed how much I actually suck as a player. Of course, these good players would be promoted by other top players so they can get as much exposure to the osu! world as possible. Cause you know, good skills should be recognised by a community. But how do I feel about it? As someone who can barely improve, whom skills have deteriorated, I can just look and say: "Wow, I actually fucking suck ass." These top players doing the promotions of course have no problems with this. Why? Because they can just pump out insane scores as well, so naturally they wouldn't mind another top player coming up and competing with them. But have they ever thought about the people who can't do the stuff they have done? (This is directed towards a certain player called TequilaWolf btw if you want me to be blunt) [It's like an insult to him-ish? But it's more of my own problem, it's natural for players like him to 'dig' out talent and prompt them to play more] {That doesn't mean I'm okay with it though}

Osu! is something I consider I'm special in. But it's mentally tiring. I know this feels like a call for a shower of praises with people calling me "good" or "special". I somehow always yearn for that. But I know they are all fake, because I have nothing to prove for it. You know, I never knew playing a game would be this tiring and cause me so many problems. If I did, I wouldn't have started in the first place. Or maybe I find it tiring because I'm still trying to find what's special to me in life. Currently, I'm so unspecial I could just kill myself right now and nobody would give two shits. But I won't, cause I don't even have the guts to resist the pain of suicide. Why do I yearn to be so special? I don't know. I've been trying to search for it since a young age and till now, I still can't find it.