Self-depreciation

As of now, I feel like I'm constantly having an anxiety attack. Over one single mistake I made, and it's a rather big one at that. People tell me to just move on and resit it next time, but my self-depreciating mind won't accept that. It keeps beating me down, constantly, about this one mistake. I thought my self-esteem was already quite low, I feel like it's just going to get lower.

The reason I'm writing this, is not because I want attention, it's more like, I'm more comfortable just writing it out, and expressing myself. I got nobody to tell all this shit to. And even if someone cared to listen, would they listen to me go on and on about the same thing over and over again in the span of a couple of days? Wouldn't that annoy you? I wish I had an emotional support to my life, someone I can cuddle with, or hold on to when I'm feeling down, cause I feel down all the time, but I don't have one, so what can I do? Just post it on the Internet I guess.

Another reason to write this is well, I just feel like I'm slowly spiraling into depression. It was my birthday yesterday, and a thought came across my mind which goes something like "Wouldn't it be cool if I died on my birthday? My date of birth and death would be the same then." In other words, I had suicidal thoughts. That's, not very good. I already jokingly talk about my suicide multiple times to others, which is also a warning sign of depression. I'm worried about myself. This feeling I'm having, it hurts me, it's like this sadness that swells up inside which cannot be exterminated through medicine. I feel like I should visit a psychologist soon, but it's expensive and I don't know if I can bear the cost.

I feel like this mistake, is hitting me a bit too hard. Maybe I can't handle stress at all, that's why I'm particularly hurt by this, I don't know, my brain is like shitting itself right now. I've already fabricated plans to help me make use of the free time I'd end up having due to this mistake, but it doesn't seem like it's enough of a relief to me. I don't think people realise how mentally fragile I am, maybe they do but they aren't telling me? I don't know. There's a lot of things I don't know. But at least for now, my aim is to have a more positive outlook on life and maybe things will get better. I don't want to succumb to depression and become a neet. I don't want to develop social anxiety. Somehow however, there are a lot of things that are just out of our control.




Actually I have one more reason to write this, I just sort of wanted to keep track on how my emotions change as I slowly spiral into the abyss of depression. Hopefully I  DON'T actually head that way, but my hunch is telling me I will.

Self-esteem

I have self-esteem issues. Throughout my entire life, I've never felt super confident or super happy about myself. Sure, I'm only 19 years old but, if you ask me to think of a time where I was extremely confident about something, it's probably just for exams and nothing else. If you asked me to think of the happiest moment of my life, I couldn't give you an answer. I've always been piling on the mistakes I've been making and never forgetting them. For each mistake I've made, the lower my self-esteem becomes, and as of now, I've made countless mistakes, and they've been just piling on and on in my mind, never forgotten.

I feel like, for someone with such a low self-esteem such as me, the right trauma at the right time that happens to me would probably cause me to go into depression immediately and just suicide. I don't even know why my self-esteem is this low, it's not fun to have such a low self-esteem. Every single time I'm alone, all I feel is sadness and loneliness. I've been told that taking up responsibilities would reduce this sadness and this loneliness, but it just doesn't. I feel like all I want in life, is recognition. This is probably due to the fact that I've always felt very useless in life, like nobody needs me, like I can probably just die tomorrow and nobody would notice. And why should they, the world's population is huge while emotional attachments tend to fall of sooner or later anyways if there's no constant contact between two entities.

While I'm writing this now, I feel like this mentality of mine has never changed since I was form 1. I don't know what happened which caused me to beat myself to the ground so much, but I couldn't care anymore. Basically, I've been depressed since form 1. I wouldn't really want to call myself depressed though, because I haven't really gotten to the point where I would kill myself? "Depression" as a term is used way too lightly, so I'm just going to skip calling myself actually "depressed" first.

Anyways, let me get back to the point of my self-esteem. With such a low self-esteem, jealousy arises quickly. Jealousy of others getting recognition, getting praises, while I stood by the sidelines, only able to offer praises and not receive them. And somehow, this further beats down on my self-esteem. Imagine if you thought there was this one single differentiating point you see in yourself compared to others, one ability of yours which you can proudly tell others that you're good at. But, when you decide to shove your head out of your ass and look at the real world, you're really not as good as you think. Others can already easily accomplish similar feats and has already pushed themselves further to perform even more amazing things with their abilities. So what is left of you? You become worthless, because when others can do things so much more better than you, why would they still need you?

I don't know why I'm typing this, I just wanted a sort of positioning system to see how I stand over the years, and probably just to let out some stuff inside of me. Life's tough, especially when you're an imperfect person that cannot do anything except sleep and masturbate.

I'm sort of hurt actually

    I hate how I keep falling in love. There are so many things I would want to talk about, to that certain person, but all I get are cold replies. Like they don't care. Maybe I just desperately want someone to care for me just once. And maybe I want that someone to be a girl. But it's so hard. I don't know what to do and I don't want to think about what I should do. But I end up thinking about it over and over again anyways. Thinking about what I could've possibly done wrong, thinking about how I should ammend for these mistakes. But she probably has never put those thoughts in her mind.

    It's like unrequited love right? I have no idea. Every day, I feel that we stray further and further apart from each other. I do want to ask her how she actually feels about me? But wouldn't that destroy our friendship? Do I even care about my friendship with her at this point? Thinking about this has really, really hurt me lately, and I have nowhere else to spout my thoughts on. Maybe I just want her to read this, and tell me how she feels. Maybe. I'm sort of writing this just to make myself feel a bit better. I'm trying to face the fact that she doesn't like me, and is intentionally ignoring me, but it really is killing me slowly. I just want to run away from all these problems. Can I? Ugh, relationships are tough man....

    It's a good thing I play piano, or I think my mental health would have been adversely affected by this. Playing the piano... it's the best way to escape reality, you know. Maybe I should do something for her. At this point, I don't even know. Is it even worth it? I have to trust that it is I guess. But why trust in something she didn't even give me a chance at? ... I don't know. Sometimes, I just want to believe you know. But maybe, I'm believing in the wrong things.    

Special

Everybody wants to be special, including me. I want to be special to someone too, I want to be irreplaceable in other people's lives, but I know I can't and will never do it. I must be such a dick for complaining about not being special. While others struggle to live through every single day due to a lack of necessities, I'm just sitting here smashing away at my keyboard, writing about how I feel about my life right now. But I can't help it, when you live life comfortably, you start to find minor problems in your life and make that a huge deal instead.

I always knew I was rather expandable, I never had any friends which I consistently talked to, all I have is myself. Why would I not disclose all this to other people? They'd just find me annoying. They'd get tired of my shit and ask me to "fuck off" because it's like hearing somebody say their life sucks just because they don't own a ferrari. Because why wouldn't they. I personally hate it when people start complaining about minor shit in their lives, yet here I am typing this article. Talk about hypocrisy right.

I'm pretty sure this became worse when I started being particularly good in a video game called "osu!". I was ranking up like crazy, but then I just froze. My skills stayed stagnant and I didn't have enough persistence or self-confidence to push myself forward. So naturally, other players emerged and displayed how much I actually suck as a player. Of course, these good players would be promoted by other top players so they can get as much exposure to the osu! world as possible. Cause you know, good skills should be recognised by a community. But how do I feel about it? As someone who can barely improve, whom skills have deteriorated, I can just look and say: "Wow, I actually fucking suck ass." These top players doing the promotions of course have no problems with this. Why? Because they can just pump out insane scores as well, so naturally they wouldn't mind another top player coming up and competing with them. But have they ever thought about the people who can't do the stuff they have done? (This is directed towards a certain player called TequilaWolf btw if you want me to be blunt) [It's like an insult to him-ish? But it's more of my own problem, it's natural for players like him to 'dig' out talent and prompt them to play more] {That doesn't mean I'm okay with it though}

Osu! is something I consider I'm special in. But it's mentally tiring. I know this feels like a call for a shower of praises with people calling me "good" or "special". I somehow always yearn for that. But I know they are all fake, because I have nothing to prove for it. You know, I never knew playing a game would be this tiring and cause me so many problems. If I did, I wouldn't have started in the first place. Or maybe I find it tiring because I'm still trying to find what's special to me in life. Currently, I'm so unspecial I could just kill myself right now and nobody would give two shits. But I won't, cause I don't even have the guts to resist the pain of suicide. Why do I yearn to be so special? I don't know. I've been trying to search for it since a young age and till now, I still can't find it.