Self-depreciation

As of now, I feel like I'm constantly having an anxiety attack. Over one single mistake I made, and it's a rather big one at that. People tell me to just move on and resit it next time, but my self-depreciating mind won't accept that. It keeps beating me down, constantly, about this one mistake. I thought my self-esteem was already quite low, I feel like it's just going to get lower.

The reason I'm writing this, is not because I want attention, it's more like, I'm more comfortable just writing it out, and expressing myself. I got nobody to tell all this shit to. And even if someone cared to listen, would they listen to me go on and on about the same thing over and over again in the span of a couple of days? Wouldn't that annoy you? I wish I had an emotional support to my life, someone I can cuddle with, or hold on to when I'm feeling down, cause I feel down all the time, but I don't have one, so what can I do? Just post it on the Internet I guess.

Another reason to write this is well, I just feel like I'm slowly spiraling into depression. It was my birthday yesterday, and a thought came across my mind which goes something like "Wouldn't it be cool if I died on my birthday? My date of birth and death would be the same then." In other words, I had suicidal thoughts. That's, not very good. I already jokingly talk about my suicide multiple times to others, which is also a warning sign of depression. I'm worried about myself. This feeling I'm having, it hurts me, it's like this sadness that swells up inside which cannot be exterminated through medicine. I feel like I should visit a psychologist soon, but it's expensive and I don't know if I can bear the cost.

I feel like this mistake, is hitting me a bit too hard. Maybe I can't handle stress at all, that's why I'm particularly hurt by this, I don't know, my brain is like shitting itself right now. I've already fabricated plans to help me make use of the free time I'd end up having due to this mistake, but it doesn't seem like it's enough of a relief to me. I don't think people realise how mentally fragile I am, maybe they do but they aren't telling me? I don't know. There's a lot of things I don't know. But at least for now, my aim is to have a more positive outlook on life and maybe things will get better. I don't want to succumb to depression and become a neet. I don't want to develop social anxiety. Somehow however, there are a lot of things that are just out of our control.




Actually I have one more reason to write this, I just sort of wanted to keep track on how my emotions change as I slowly spiral into the abyss of depression. Hopefully I  DON'T actually head that way, but my hunch is telling me I will.