Self-esteem

I have self-esteem issues. Throughout my entire life, I've never felt super confident or super happy about myself. Sure, I'm only 19 years old but, if you ask me to think of a time where I was extremely confident about something, it's probably just for exams and nothing else. If you asked me to think of the happiest moment of my life, I couldn't give you an answer. I've always been piling on the mistakes I've been making and never forgetting them. For each mistake I've made, the lower my self-esteem becomes, and as of now, I've made countless mistakes, and they've been just piling on and on in my mind, never forgotten.

I feel like, for someone with such a low self-esteem such as me, the right trauma at the right time that happens to me would probably cause me to go into depression immediately and just suicide. I don't even know why my self-esteem is this low, it's not fun to have such a low self-esteem. Every single time I'm alone, all I feel is sadness and loneliness. I've been told that taking up responsibilities would reduce this sadness and this loneliness, but it just doesn't. I feel like all I want in life, is recognition. This is probably due to the fact that I've always felt very useless in life, like nobody needs me, like I can probably just die tomorrow and nobody would notice. And why should they, the world's population is huge while emotional attachments tend to fall of sooner or later anyways if there's no constant contact between two entities.

While I'm writing this now, I feel like this mentality of mine has never changed since I was form 1. I don't know what happened which caused me to beat myself to the ground so much, but I couldn't care anymore. Basically, I've been depressed since form 1. I wouldn't really want to call myself depressed though, because I haven't really gotten to the point where I would kill myself? "Depression" as a term is used way too lightly, so I'm just going to skip calling myself actually "depressed" first.

Anyways, let me get back to the point of my self-esteem. With such a low self-esteem, jealousy arises quickly. Jealousy of others getting recognition, getting praises, while I stood by the sidelines, only able to offer praises and not receive them. And somehow, this further beats down on my self-esteem. Imagine if you thought there was this one single differentiating point you see in yourself compared to others, one ability of yours which you can proudly tell others that you're good at. But, when you decide to shove your head out of your ass and look at the real world, you're really not as good as you think. Others can already easily accomplish similar feats and has already pushed themselves further to perform even more amazing things with their abilities. So what is left of you? You become worthless, because when others can do things so much more better than you, why would they still need you?

I don't know why I'm typing this, I just wanted a sort of positioning system to see how I stand over the years, and probably just to let out some stuff inside of me. Life's tough, especially when you're an imperfect person that cannot do anything except sleep and masturbate.