I don't understand myself. I've come to a point in my life where I despise the attitude and behavior I currently have. I tell myself I strive to learn, I tell myself I need to spend more time with family, I tell myself to socialise more, treat others with more respect and be less open about what I'm thinking and how I feel, I tell myself I want to be initiative, plan out things more thoroughly and execute according to the plan, I tell myself not need to be such a clutz and break the stereotype of me being a clumsy fuck whose stuck at home and masturbates all day. I tell myself a lot of things, because there's so much within I dislike. Ultimately however, what use are words, if no action is taken?
I can tell myself all these nonsense, it's so easy to do. I don't even need to open my mouth. I just can't understand why I never take the initiative to change. Maybe it's because it feels good to ignore the reality of me being a shit person, and just pretend nothing is happening, and that probably is what drives this kind of behavior. It's so much easier to just relax and watch television compared to facing reality and making the changes necessary. While I tell myself all this, when others tell me about the same thing I've been telling myself, I just get this feeling of annoyance and anger. Why? They're stating the truth, and the truth really does hurt.
I hate myself so much. I just want to look at myself in a positive light and be able to tell myself that wow, I actually do have a positive trait, I'm not actually a 100% worthless piece of shit. But every day, I get proven I'm wrong. I want to overcome my weaknesses and be a better person, but why can't I? Over so many years, nothing has changed. And maybe, nothing will ever change, and I'll die as a worthless nobody whom nobody cares about.
No comments:
Post a Comment